is something different?

hello. don't seem to have blogged in a few days.

life is a really weird continuum at the moment, whilst i wait to hear if i got into uni for the second time in two years. it's a really strange situation. i'm not just nervous about the news i will hear, but what will come after it. namely, i don't have a plan if i get rejected. but i don't really have a plan if i get accepted, either. having a positive experience this time is fundamental, and i can't help but be scared that i'll be plagued with the same horrendous feelings i suffered from throughout my one year at the other uni. the loneliness and homesickness is a feeling which still haunts me to this day. so who knows. this year out has been both positive and negative. i needed the time to breathe and be away from certain environments, and my lifestyle right now isn't so bad. i have a reasonable amount of hours at work, and when i'm not there i'm enjoying relaxing, shopping, seeing the odd friend and so on. i only hope i haven't become too attached to home life again. i've definitely become closer to my mum, which will prove difficult when i set sail again. but it was the uni that did that to me. i was at the loneliest point ever in my life, and i turned to the two people that i'd pushed away for so long. i'd had a boyfriend, friends, teachers that i could confide in and get along with wonderfully. what did i need my parents for? i will always, always owe them for welcoming me back, putting up with the endless tears, driving me back home and so on. i will stop this train of thought now because, quite frankly, the emotions there are still too raw.

anyways, it's interesting thinking about our desires. when people ask you what you want, idk, there are too many different types of answers. what do i want? i want chocolate, i want a boyfriend, i want lots of nice clothes. what do i want in life? well, who really knows. i know i need money to be comfortable, unfortunately. then there is the major clash in my head. one part of me yearns to explore, make a name for myself, reach for the stars. the other part of me says, realistically, if i have a nice partner and a dog, i could be happy with just that. in conclusion, i don't think we ever really know what we want for certain, until we've tried it. far too much pressure is placed on us from a young age - what job do we want, what do we want to study at uni, what kind of person do we want to be. maybe if we all just waited to see how things panned out and stop making such a big thing of decisions, idk. that's what i'm going with. -bye-